Happy 2013! I could not wait for 2012 to be over. I remember vividly riding the school bus in elementary school hoping time would pass faster so I could be a 'cool' middle schooler...I felt like that this last year. ...just waiting for the months to go by faster so I can put things behind me.
Today, looking back on 2012 I feel a sense of happiness. Happiness from all the love and support we got, and continue to receive - one of the many good things that come out of being sick is you really see who your true friends are; who loves you and who will actually be there for you when the shit hits the fan. Of course, there's the flip-side where some people abandon you, but that's life I guess.
A few weeks ago, I took a short 3-day trip to Seattle by myself. I am having mobility issues from my mastectomy (all normal) but needed some physical therapy done and wanted someone I trusted to work on me. It was the first time I had been back since we moved in May.
Our move was so quick that we barely had time to say good bye to anyone; most of our good byes were over the phone. Until now,I haven't had the time or energy to really comprehend what we had left behind.
In the last month, as I am finally coming out from under the chemo-cloud and post-surgery recovery I am quickly realizing and missing dearly all that we left behind. I miss our house...where we brought Sofia home from the hospital and where Anabelle became a 'kid', I miss our walks to the water tower (something I found so ugly when we first bought our house, now carries so much loving and fun memories), I miss the snow days when we would sled down Bertona with the girls, I miss our neighbors...I miss our routine and our friends...I miss the feeling I had of being able to call a friend when I just needed to get out for a drink or coffee...or a donut. I miss my brother and his fiance. I miss so much about Seattle and all that we left behind.
When I got back to SFO, I quickly recalled the last time I was at SFO taking the same exact route from the Virgin America gates to the baggage claim area. We had planned a trip to San Francisco to visit family and friends for the weekend, but a day prior I had had a biopsy done on the mass on my right breast and lymph-nodes. I was waiting in this very chair with Sofia running around this lounge with 2 car seats and three giant suite cases when the Radiologist called me to tell me I had cancer. The worst news and the worst day of my life so far…
The rest of the year was hard to say the least, but it’s amazing what your body and mind can endure if it has no choice. I’m sometimes surprised that I’m still married and my kids still love me, because I dragged them through a lot… Back in September when we were still going though chemo, I asked JM to describe in three words the last 6 months of our life...his answer: "aged ten years."
This year is about keeping the momentum moving forward, and aging only the ONE year versus the ten we did in 2012. Last week was my first week of radiation therapy...22 more to go. I will be done before the end of February, then hopefully before the summer I will have my final reconstructive surgery and my final Herceptin infusion and I can close this chapter of my story.
I will say though, as I try to move forward that so much of my negative energy that I kept hidden inside is creeping out. I tried to stay so intensely positive throughout my diagnosis, chemo and surgery, now that I am finally given a clean bill of health, I feel like I am finally breathing like a normal human being and allowing myself to feel things other than the “you can do it, go get ‘em” attitude I was fronting for the past 7 months.
How do I get back to that good place…that positive energy place? …maybe I should start meditating like a friend suggested to me not solong ago…or do some yoga…
