One more to go

Last Tuesday was my second to last chemo session! Hooray!!!! Side effects this time around: more nausea, sinus headache/pressure and fatigue...all expected, but not fun. :) That's me sitting in my lounge chair happy that I'm almost done! One more left on October 30th and I will be 100% done with chemo. I have a month off to recover from the chemo and will enjoy some Thanksgiving food and family, then on December 3rd I have my bi-lateral mastectomy. I decided to get the tissue expanders put in at the time of the mastectomy which I will have to get filled every few week to expand my skin and muscle to accomodate the new permanent implant that will be placed in about 6-8 months.

After surgery and the Holidays, I start my 5 week course of radiation: Monday-Friday, 25 days. The end of the treatment plan is so close, I can finally see it and almost feel it.

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Toward the end of my last infusion, a woman with two friends walked in and sat in the chair across from mine. From what I could overhear it sounded like she was on the very same chemo regimen (the Buzdar regimen) and it was her very first day. She had all her hair still and looked nervous, uncomfortable and a little out of place (I think it was the hair). I would hear bits and pieces of her conversation and could hear the tension in her voice. I was so tempted to walk over to her and say, "You can do it! If you ever want to talk just call me..." But I didn't. I didn't want to be intrusive or nosy, but in all honesty if someone had come up to me on my first day and reached out to me, I would have been so grateful. I regret not approaching her. Hopefully I'll see her again in the Infusion Center and I'll have enough courage to talk to her and share my experience with her then.

Seeing her brought me back to where we were six months ago: scared, unsure and nervous about the road ahead. I've had my share of emotional and mental breakdowns since May and have had many nights and days of self-reflection and self-realization, and what I came to realize is that cancer has made me selfish. I have been completely in my own head for the past six months with tunnel vision of seeing mostly ME and not everyone else around me. I know that having cancer is awful, but being a spouse, child, sister, brother, mother, father, in-law, friend of someone who has cancer sucks too. I feel like my acknowledgement of that fact has been sparse.

I thank the people in my life everyday - for all the help with the kids, the house, and me, but realized that I'm so stuck in my own head that I don't say it out loud enough. I don't say thank you to the people who matter...out loud, so they hear me loud and clear. I will change that starting now.

Perspective

About a month ago I entered my name for 49er game tickets at Stanford's Women's Cancer Center. A few weeks later, I got a call saying I won two tickets. I've never won anything so I was pretty excited to get the call. I took JM, of course and we went this past Sunday. His birthday was on Friday so it was the perfect belated birthday present.

It's October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month so the 49ers had dedicated a small section of the stadium to breast cancer survivors and their guests to enjoy the game and participate in the half-time show. I met a number of women either going through cancer treatment like me or women in remission from the disease for upwards of 25 years, giving me hope for my future.

For the half-time show, we were ushered onto the field by the cheerleaders and gifted a pink pashmina by a 49er alum (I wish I knew football well enough to know who gave me my scarf). The applause and cheers enveloped us from every angle of the stadium; empowering me with strength to keep fighting and moving forward. I felt loved, encouraged and supported by complete strangers I will never meet or exchange words with, and felt camaraderie with the women standing next to me who are fighting the same disease I am fighting. I admired my fellow cancer buddies and was in awe of their happy, vibrant smiles and hoped that I was exuding the same positive energy for them.

I came away from the event feeling so blessed and lucky to be where I am. I caught the cancer early and the chemo and hormone therapies crushed the cancer immediately. There were a number of women at the event who were on their second or third chemotherapy regimens because their previous regimens hadn't worked or their tumor kept getting larger. Before the half-time ceremony there was about 30 minutes when we had a chance to chat with each other and exchange stories. One woman said that she would be happy if she can live 5 more years, but instead of just leaving the world without making an impact, she's doing everything she can to further breast cancer and BRCA research so that one less woman (or man) has to go through this. Her attitude and courage is inspiring.

I know I will survive this and live. My prognosis is great, maybe even excellent (I'd like to think that it is, at least). ;) When I hear stories of women who's prognosis is not as good as my own, I feel an immense amount of guilt that I will be OK, and that living another 5 years is not a question but a certainty. I wish nothing but the absolute best for these women and all the other women fighting this disease. We have come so far in breast cancer research but the road ahead is still a very long one. Thankfully for me and the thousands of other women with HER2+ breast cancer, a drug called Herceptin was introduced as a targeted hormone therapy.  Fourteen years ago, HER2+ breast cancer was very hard to beat, but with Herceptin my tumor shrank after the first treatment. I am done with chemo on October 30th, but will continue with Herceptin until May 2013.

My little preachy bit before I go...and since it's breast cancer awareness month it's sort of fitting...early detection is key to beating this awful disease. Ladies and gents, do a self breast exam, check your family history and if you have a history of breast or ovarian cancer ask your doctor about whether you should have a BRCA gene mutation test done, get your mammograms ON-TIME, get an annual PAP, get your annual physical...here's to all our health and happiness.

PS Thank you all so much for your emails following my last post. I have the most amazing friends and family who lift me up and make life a lot brighter and happier when I'm feeling down. Lots of love to you all.

Stuck

I figured it out. Weeks of depression, frustration and anger and the conclusion I came to is this. I feel like everyone and everything is moving ahead and I'm stuck dealing with cancer. I feel like all my plans have been put on hold and that I'm stuck standing in the same place for the next year.

I'm a planner and had my life mapped out for the next couple of years and this messed all that up. Maybe this is life's way of telling me to be more spontaneous; plan less and enjoy the present. Be less structured and be more free-spirited.

The frustration and depression is made worse by me looking the way I do and having a bad self image of myself. I tell Anabelle that it doesn't matter what a person looks like on the outside, but I wake up everyday and look in the mirror and shy away from spending too much time looking at myself because I am scared I will get freaked out at my own reflection. Why? I am so weak that I can't get over this temporary alteration? It's disappointing to think that I am so vain that I'm having a hard time with this. I need to get over my insecurities, but it's so hard. I feel so superficial and stupid writing about this, and I honestly considered not posting this because I should be thankful that this is all I have to go through to beat cancer. Ultimately this blog is about how I'm dealing with cancer and treatment, so in an attempt to be as honest as possible I will risk being judged or criticized.

Maybe it's not that I'm vain, but that I'm in denial that I have cancer. As much as I think I embraced and accepted the diagnosis, in a quiet moment when I'm by myself I still have not and cannot come to terms with the fact that I have breast cancer. Maybe that's why I haven't joined a support group...because once I do, I'm surrounded by people who have the same disease I do and have to admit to myself that I'm also part of the cancer club.

Obviously I need to come to terms with my life - my diagnosis and the slower pace. Although my life is filled with unwanted doctor's appointments and drugs that make me feel sick, life has given me this time to slow down and smell the roses...so that, I will try to do.