Moving forward

Bilateral mastectomy done. Tissue expander implanted. Now in full recovery and pain management mode. December 3rd was a long day to say the least. We checked in at 6am and I was wheeled into surgery around 10:45 and out around 5:30. The surgery was a success. The initial pathology during surgery on the nodes came back negative; there's still a slight chance the post-surgical pathology will come back positive but the doctors are optimistic.

Recovery is hard. The night after surgery was a haze of pain and nausea. The nurses gave me a rainbow of drugs to help with both but nothing seemed to work. Even my PCP drug button wasn't doing the trick. I attempted to eat...first ice cream (because why not, right?) then threw up about 10 minutes later then graham crackers which I kept down for a good 20. Then I decided to give up for the night and attempt sleep, which didn't really didn't really come easy.

Tuesday morning, my surgeon woke me up to check up on me. He took my bandages off and I got a glance at my new (let's be honest) butchered chest. He said he couldn't have asked for better - that my skin is in great condition and will do great for the reconstruction. Wonderful news. He wants me to walk around and asks the nurse to take the catheter out so I'm forced to get up to go to the bathroom. I don't feel ready for this at all, but I complied.

9am JM came for a visit with a bagel which was delicious - I hadn't eaten since Sunday night and I finally felt like I could keep food down for more than 20 minutes. The nurse suggested that I get up and attempt a walk down the 10' hallway. After my success with the bagel, I thought it would be a good idea. At this point I hadn't gotten out of bed since Monday morning before surgery. Moving my body never felt so painful - everything hurt and felt weak. I finally stood on my two feet and felt ok, took a few steps and in walks the plastic surgeon who thankfully advices the nurse that I look like I need to sit down...and out goes that delicious bagel I just devoured. Boo. I still need to use the bathroom so I waddle to the bathroom with JM's help and somehow make it back to the bed and out goes whatever else I have left in my stomach. It was only 11am and I felt completely defeated and done.

The day did get better. The doctor gave me new pain meds, a muscle relaxer and more anti-nausea meds. I got chicken noodle soup for dinner and successfully digested it, got up and went for a walk around the post-op ward and even watched a movie on my iPad. Success!!!

Wednesday morning, I was discharged with two drains and meds to keep me happy for weeks. By Thursday I was able to get my left drain removed and the right one the next day. Recovering at home is better but far more frustrating than being at the hospital. I see JM doing everything for the girls and me not being able to do a thing. I feel completely useless...well, I am useless and in fact a burden because I have to ask for help with everything.

JM is an angel. He makes me laugh and forget my pain and has been my advocate throughout this whole ordeal. When he holds my hands, he makes me feel at home. When he kisses me, he makes me feel more loved than anybody in the world. His laughter is contagious and infects my whole being, and watching him be a good father makes me the happiest of all.

The girls have also been amazing. They help me get up from my chair, cover me with blankets, put my slippers on write me cards filled with love, and give me kisses and leg hugs since they know my chest is off limits. On Tuesday they came for a visit at the hospital and Anabelle held my water bottle, opened and fed me my saltine crackers so my med wouldn't make me sick. Both girls stood on either side of my bed holding my hands; both with smiles as wide as their little faces; never showing any worry in their faces. As a mother this is something I never wanted my kids to experience but I am so extremely proud of their maturity and compassion. JM told me later that in the hallway of the hospital Anabelle broke into tears from what she saw. I can't express how amazed I am at her strength to stay so strong in front of me...even making jokes to make me laugh.

This year has been the biggest challenge for all of us but I cannot wait for 2013. We all deserve an amazing 2013 and I know in my heart that it will be.