Stuck

I figured it out. Weeks of depression, frustration and anger and the conclusion I came to is this. I feel like everyone and everything is moving ahead and I'm stuck dealing with cancer. I feel like all my plans have been put on hold and that I'm stuck standing in the same place for the next year.

I'm a planner and had my life mapped out for the next couple of years and this messed all that up. Maybe this is life's way of telling me to be more spontaneous; plan less and enjoy the present. Be less structured and be more free-spirited.

The frustration and depression is made worse by me looking the way I do and having a bad self image of myself. I tell Anabelle that it doesn't matter what a person looks like on the outside, but I wake up everyday and look in the mirror and shy away from spending too much time looking at myself because I am scared I will get freaked out at my own reflection. Why? I am so weak that I can't get over this temporary alteration? It's disappointing to think that I am so vain that I'm having a hard time with this. I need to get over my insecurities, but it's so hard. I feel so superficial and stupid writing about this, and I honestly considered not posting this because I should be thankful that this is all I have to go through to beat cancer. Ultimately this blog is about how I'm dealing with cancer and treatment, so in an attempt to be as honest as possible I will risk being judged or criticized.

Maybe it's not that I'm vain, but that I'm in denial that I have cancer. As much as I think I embraced and accepted the diagnosis, in a quiet moment when I'm by myself I still have not and cannot come to terms with the fact that I have breast cancer. Maybe that's why I haven't joined a support group...because once I do, I'm surrounded by people who have the same disease I do and have to admit to myself that I'm also part of the cancer club.

Obviously I need to come to terms with my life - my diagnosis and the slower pace. Although my life is filled with unwanted doctor's appointments and drugs that make me feel sick, life has given me this time to slow down and smell the roses...so that, I will try to do.