One more to go

Last Tuesday was my second to last chemo session! Hooray!!!! Side effects this time around: more nausea, sinus headache/pressure and fatigue...all expected, but not fun. :) That's me sitting in my lounge chair happy that I'm almost done! One more left on October 30th and I will be 100% done with chemo. I have a month off to recover from the chemo and will enjoy some Thanksgiving food and family, then on December 3rd I have my bi-lateral mastectomy. I decided to get the tissue expanders put in at the time of the mastectomy which I will have to get filled every few week to expand my skin and muscle to accomodate the new permanent implant that will be placed in about 6-8 months.

After surgery and the Holidays, I start my 5 week course of radiation: Monday-Friday, 25 days. The end of the treatment plan is so close, I can finally see it and almost feel it.

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Toward the end of my last infusion, a woman with two friends walked in and sat in the chair across from mine. From what I could overhear it sounded like she was on the very same chemo regimen (the Buzdar regimen) and it was her very first day. She had all her hair still and looked nervous, uncomfortable and a little out of place (I think it was the hair). I would hear bits and pieces of her conversation and could hear the tension in her voice. I was so tempted to walk over to her and say, "You can do it! If you ever want to talk just call me..." But I didn't. I didn't want to be intrusive or nosy, but in all honesty if someone had come up to me on my first day and reached out to me, I would have been so grateful. I regret not approaching her. Hopefully I'll see her again in the Infusion Center and I'll have enough courage to talk to her and share my experience with her then.

Seeing her brought me back to where we were six months ago: scared, unsure and nervous about the road ahead. I've had my share of emotional and mental breakdowns since May and have had many nights and days of self-reflection and self-realization, and what I came to realize is that cancer has made me selfish. I have been completely in my own head for the past six months with tunnel vision of seeing mostly ME and not everyone else around me. I know that having cancer is awful, but being a spouse, child, sister, brother, mother, father, in-law, friend of someone who has cancer sucks too. I feel like my acknowledgement of that fact has been sparse.

I thank the people in my life everyday - for all the help with the kids, the house, and me, but realized that I'm so stuck in my own head that I don't say it out loud enough. I don't say thank you to the people who matter...out loud, so they hear me loud and clear. I will change that starting now.