Vanity...Hang Over...

I know I should be grateful and thankful and I am, don't get me wrong, but I am starting to feel like a hermit. I don't really ever want to go anywhere aside from the necessary runs to the grocery store. I know it shouldn't matter what I look like, but it does. The hair on my head is almost gone but not quite...I sort of look like a newborn baby bird...with fuzzies on my head.  My eyebrows and eyelashes are thinning and my skin looks sallow and blotchy. All of these things - I am thankful that I even have the energy to worry about, but all things I wish I didn't have to worry about.

Anabelle's Back to School night was on Monday. I met her teachers and fellow parents and I just didn't feel like myself. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and didn't want to talk to anyone. Frankly I didn't even want to go, but what kind of parent would I be if I didn't go to my daughter's BSN? It's not like I would have had a good excuse...my excuse would have been, I don't feel pretty. Not good enough...so I went. I put on a little makeup, (something I haven't done in months) a pretty scarf, (my wig is so hot that I couldn't get myself to wear it) my big girls pants and a smile and went. 

I know that no one there was judging me or making me feel uncomfortable except for myself, but still when you see women dressed nicely with their hair done and face looking bright and healthy it's hard not to feel jealous. I know it's been effecting Anabelle lately as well. She told me the other day, "Mom, you look pretty now, but I like you better with longer hair. It's going to start growing back around Christmas, right?"

I wish that I was strong enough to not feel vain while going through cancer treatment, but I'm not. I wish I didn't care about how I look right now, but I do. If I become a hermit for the next 3 months, then you all know why.

-------------

Tuesday was my first day of the new treatment: FEC. I got all three drugs and a cocktail of anti-nausea meds. And a major highlight of the day, (or two) I got a window seat and they got brand new, comfy, electric lounge chairs in the Infusion Center - seriously you may think this is a joke, but after sitting in the same chair for 4+ hours it's good to be able to recline all the way and have your feet stretched out all the way, and not have a sore butt at the end of it all. 

So the new drugs are harder, but not as bad as I thought they were going to be. I've been feeling queasy and nauseous since Tuesday, but nothing that I can't work through. I have lots of anti-nausea meds that I'm taking so that seems to help me a lot...and drinking lots of water. It's like I'm sea-sick or hung over all the time now...a shitty feeling for sure, but nothing that I should be complaining about. I feel like I have it easy compared to so many others, so I am grateful that I seem to be taking the new drugs decently. 

I had my second dose on Friday (only the 5FU) and a immunity booster shot of Neulasta on Saturday morning.  Week one out of the 4 infusion weeks is out of the way.  I get two weeks off and then I am back on.  November 2nd is my last day of chemo.  I'm excited for this to be done soon.