Back to reality - week 5

We had an amazing time in Hawaii. The wedding was beautiful and lots of fun. We got back on Sunday night and I had my 4th infusion today.

Last week I was scheduled for a treatment on Monday (one day earlier than usual) but my Oncologist decided that because my white blood cell count was too low and because I was getting such great results so far, with me going to Hawaii the next day, she didn't want to risk me getting sick. The upside; I had a tremendous amount of energy in Hawaii. The downside; a double-dose of Herceptin today.

My hair started falling out on Thursday while we were in Hawaii; it was between weeks 4 and 5. Wherever I go, I leave behind my hair. It's upsetting to see but just like JM says, I have to remember that this is temporary and truly a small price to pay as a side effect to chemo working so well.

The port feels a thousand times better now and I'm glad I got it. A month ago I regretted the decision a million times over, but I now understand why it's so much better to have it. The topical lidocaine I put on about an hour before the access is put it helps a lot, and I barely even notice its there on a day-to-day basis.

I'm contemplating whether to go to a breast cancer support group. Do I need it? Do I want it? Do I really want to be surrounded by other women who are going through this and hear about their problems? I don't know. What will I say? What do I have to share with these women?

I thought chemo would be a lot more social than it is. It's actually very solitary. Maybe it's because I haven't been going at the same time every week; this will change starting next week. :) In the movies, you always see patients getting chemo in big comfy chairs sitting next to each other and chatting. At Stanford, most patients draw their privacy curtain and keep to themselves. I both like and dislike this. A part of me wants to make a cancer friend or two who understands what I'm going through. JM has been amazing, but no matter how amazing you are I don't think one can totally comprehend the confusion and frustration of being a cancer patient without actually being or having been one. I also feel awful when I complain to JM about how much this sucks because I know how hard it is for him to be a bystander. He says he wishes it was him and I know how much of an emotional toll this disease is taking out of him.

Hmmmmm, ok. So maybe I just answered my own question about the support group myself. Maybe I'll check it out next week.

The Oncologist said today that she may give me the option of having surgery after this first cycle so I have a break from chemo then finish off the chemo after surgery. It looks like I may be headed towards a complete response (meaning no viable disease) by the midway point of chemo! I see the appeal in breaking the chemo with surgery but also feel like I want to get the chemo over and done with and then deal with the surgery afterward.

Right now the timeline for my recovery looks like this: 7 more weeks of Taxol and Herceptin then another 12 week cycle of FEC and Herceptin. After a few weeks of rest and recovery I'll have a double mastectomy and possible reconstruction right after the mastectomy (there is a good chance I'm not a candidate for this since I have to get radiation. In which case I'll have a delayed reconstruction which comes with some extra steps). Radiation will probably be everyday for
about 6.5 weeks. I'll continue on Herceptin for a total of one year and then move to an oral estrogen blocker called Tamoxifen for 5 years.

How quickly life changes...I never in a million years thought I would be making decisions like this 3 months ago. 3 months ago my biggest problem was not having enough time to go to the gym before Hawaii.

Weddings are always emotional events. When the wedding is someone close to you, it's usually even more emotional. My brother-in-law, JR got married last Friday to Cecile. Everything was beautiful; the bride, the groom, flowers, the venue, everything. Their wedding took me back to our wedding almost 7 years ago. The day I got married I was ecstatic and happy and had no idea that we would have to fight one of our most important battles only 7 years later.

During my father-in-law's toast to the bride and groom he talked about marriage and life having ups and downs and the importance of being there for one another through EVERYTHING. His words hit me hard because I realized that this is the hardest thing JM and I have ever gone through together. I remember the moment the doctor told me I have cancer, the moment I told JM, the moments we told the kids and our families. I remember the moment I stopped being angry and accepted my inevitable fight and the moment I wasn't scared anymore because I knew I was lucky and would survive this disease.

I knew on September 10, 2005 that I made the best decision by choosing to marry JM but on May 3, 2012 when I was diagnosed with cancer, I knew with absolute certainty with my
whole body that I chose the best person to be my partner. I cannot imagine going through this without JM; his kisses, hugs and his constant ability to make me laugh through this entire process has made coping so much easier.

I still have a long road ahead of me, but I will get through it stronger and better than I started...just with less hair. :)

Here's a photo of our family at the wedding: