how i got here...

Sunday, April 30^th: I had just hopped in bed to join my husband.  He had made the bed just a few minutes before and the sheets had just come out of the dryer.  Aaahhh… As I laid there basking in the coziness of it all, I remembered that I hadn’t done a self-breast exam in over a month.  Its something I try to do regularly but such a simple thing is so easily lost in the routine; work, raising two kids (Anabelle 4 and Sofia 20 months) and sometimes raising my husband ;) (JM).  What the heck is this?  I found a small lump on my right breast.  I told JM. Naturally we googled and WebMD-ed all the things we thought it would be and thought with my age, family history and health it had to be a benign cyst. He said not to worry about it and reassured me that he thought it was nothing.  The next morning, I was able to get an appointment with the on call OB-GYN. She confirmed what we had thought, but as protocol called for, sent me for imaging: Mammogram and Ultrasound at the Swedish Breast Care Center.

Tuesday, May 1^st: I decided I would go to this appointment alone since I “knew” it wasn’t anything more than some benign cyst. “No need to make it a bigger deal than it is.”  I arrived at the Swedish Breast Care Center and quickly realized I was the youngest woman in the room by a good 10 years. This made me feel better. The odds were with me. I was escorted into the changing room, then to another more private waiting room, then was finally called in for my mammogram. I guess it never really registered with me when my mom would talk about how painful mammograms were. Let me just say that I never knew my boobs could be squeezed that thin! After the mammogram, the tech escorted me back to the waiting room for the ultrasound. The ultrasound was performed by a Radiologists and that’s when I first felt like this could be bigger than what we had initially thought. He said the lump looked ‘suspicious’ and so did the lymph node under my armpit, additionally there were some areas of ‘suspicious’ calcification.  He recommended I have the lump and the node biopsied so we went ahead and took care of it right then and there.  According to him, each of the three findings are normal occurrences when found by themselves.  When they are found all together its a little more precarious.  ”50/50” he says.  Results of the biopsy were expected back in about 3 business days, which took us out to Friday or Monday.  That night, we called our radiation-oncologist friend.  He said the same thing, “50/50. But I found something on my tongue recently that I was certain was cancer and it turned out to be nothing.”  He didn’t want us to work ourselves up because you never know until you know.  

Thursday, May 3rd: JM, the girls and I had a trip to San Francisco planned for months.  I was happy to be away for the weekend and try to forget about the biopsies.  Travelling with the kids and car seats is always a little bit more difficult so JM had left Sofia and me at the airport while he and Anabelle picked up the rental car.  When they came back, he loaded the car, installed the car seats and we set off to Marin to visit my sister-in-law’s family.   “The doctor called.  He said its malignant.”  The instant I said it out loud myself is when it hit me. I started crying.  ”They have a scale for how they rate the aggressiveness of the tumor.  Mine is a 9; the most aggressive.”  Tears started streaming down from behind his sunglasses.  ”Its ok.  We’re going to be OK,” he comforted me as I read the uncertainty in his body language.  This is when Anabelle sensed something was wrong.  ”Why are you so sad Mommy?”  I couldn’t explain this.  How do you explain this!?  I didn’t even understand it.  I just told her that I missed her and played it off.  She sensed something was off.  She smiled at me in her attempt to make me feel better.  It sort of worked. 

That first night was unsettling and scary. We didn’t know what it meant to have breast cancer and how our lives were going to change from it.  Did I need to worry about my kids having to grow up without their mom? 

The weeks to follow were filled with more tests and doctor’s appointments than I have ever had in my entire life! 

We gradually told our family first, and then friends in person as we saw them in San Francisco and over the phone when we had no choice. I can’t imagine going through this without our family and friends.

As we started getting test results back from the MRI, PET Scan and blood work we were encourage and empowered. The cancer had only spread to the lymph nodes under my right arm pit but had not metasticised to anywhere else.  

Diagnosis: Stage II Breast Cancer. Cure rate: great. Attitude: positive. 

My feeling from the moment I was told I have cancer was to try to keep life as ‘normal’ as possible. I felt like the instant I allowed cancer to change the way I lived on a day-to-day basis is the day I started letting it win, which I wasn’t ready to do. 

I am a survivor and this is my diary.