Between May 14th and May 18th we got three opinions on treatment: Swedish, Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (SCCA) and Stanford Hospital. We knew we didn’t have the luxury to sit and wait to make a decision on treatment, so we gave ourselves the weekend to decide on treatment.
The weekend was excruciating. In the back on my mind, I knew in my gut from the moment we left SCCA that Stanford was the best choice for me strictly from a treatment standpoint. But I had my parents, Hiro and Hilary (my brother and his fiance), friends, our house that we loved…and the girls had their friends too. Not to mention the massive amount of coordination and effort it would require to move our entire life to SF in less than a week.
That Friday, my parents picked our girls up from school and brought them back to our house; we were at SCCA from 11 to 5:30 meeting with the tumor board and couldn’t leave in time to pick them up. I sat down with JM and my parents and started talking to them about all my reasons to stay in Seattle with SCCA or go to Stanford. My dad said to me, “…so it sounds like you are pretty much set on moving to SF and going to Stanford?” My response, “…I don’t think so. I haven’t decided yet.” I was so torn. I did NOT want to leave and was trying to convince myself that staying made sense when I knew it didn’t.
I felt a massive amount of guilt leaving Seattle. I have two kids and the thought of one of them being sick and then announcing that she is leaving me, their mom, was heart breaking. I didn’t want anyone to take my decision to leave Seattle personally and I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I felt like I was abandoning my family in Seattle, especially my parents. It was obvious that this internal conflict I was having was frustrating JM, but he was good about containing his feelings and telling me to be selfish and make the decision that felt right for me; this decision was harder than I thought it would be.
Monday, May 21st: We decided to move the entire family (back) to the bay area after living in Seattle for over 5 years to get treatment at Stanford Hospital.
This was both a sad and happy decision. Sad because of what we leave behind in Seattle but happy for what we gain: my sister and her family, JM’s three sisters and their families and the girls have all their cousins. As important as it is for my girls to ‘experience’ this with me, I want them to have outlets and opportunities to have fun and forget about the fact that their mom has cancer.
I called Stanford on Monday morning and was scheduled for my Brain MRI and medi-cath implant for Friday, May 25th.
Among other things to do before our move, an important thing on my TO DO list was getting a wig made from my hair at Anton’s Hair (http://www.antonshair.com) in Bellevue, WA. I saw Kurt (he’s the son on Anton and has been making custom wigs for cancer patients for 20 years) on Tuesday morning and he gave me a guideline for getting my hair cut: divide the hair in 16 sections and section off with pony tails.
I went to my wonderful hairdresser, Lauryn at Intermezzo (http://www.intermezzosalon.com/) in Queen Anne - who as a side note is awesome. I explained my situation to her and she moved around her schedule to accomodate me so I was able to cut my hair after work with my kids and JM. I was afraid that somehow she would treat me differently when I saw her, but she didn’t. She greeted me with a big smile and a hug and offered me a glass of wine and we laughed about bad TV; this is exactly what I needed.
The first lock that Lauryn cut off, I teared up, but the instant i saw my girls’ faces I knew I couldn’t cry so i held it in and pretended to LOVE my nee hair My hair was well below my shoulder blades. Ironically, I was growing it out to donate to the Lock of Love in July after my brother-in-law’s wedding in June. But now here I was cutting it off to make a wig for myself.
Losing my hair seems like such a superficial thing; it’s just hair, right? But really, it’s a big deal. For me, I wanted to look and feel ‘normal’ for as long as possible. Getting a cute pixie cut was a good transition to losing all of my hair. Having had long hair for years, it’s hard for me to feel like a woman or feel attractive with super short hair. Somehow (stupidly) I associate my long hair with being attractive and being a woman. Now that I don’t have my long hair, it’s hard for me to feel that way. For as many times JM said I look cute and that he liked my hair and no matter how many other people say my hair looked good, I miss my long hair and wish I didn’t have to have this hair cut. It’s about perspective though and I have to remember that it IS just hair and that it WILL grow back.
This is me getting my hair cut with my girls:
Me rockin' my new pixie cut with Sofia and Lauryn:
I delivered the hair in 16 zip lock bags to Kurt at Anton’s on Wednesday (5/23) afternoon where he made a scalp molding of my head with saran-wrap and clear tape. He said my wig would be finished by Friday (5/25):
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