It just got very real

Tuesday, May 29:  ”Good morning, its 5:30 am on Tuesday.  Today is partly cloudy” sang the voice along to the soothing melody from the UNIQLO iPhone alarm clock app.  

“Partly cloudy,” ugh.  Was this an omen of what was to come on the first day of chemo?

We got ready, and headed to Stanford Hospital where I was scheduled for an echocardiogram at 7AM.  The day before, JM had walked the path from the parking lot to the echo lab.  Four-and-a-half minutes.  He wanted me to get as much sleep as I could and wanted to know exactly how much time he had before he had to wake me.  The hospital was bustling already and we navigated our way through the maze of long hallways and escalators to the in-patient echo lab.  Each turn into a new corridor added another level of anxiety.  The doctors needed a baseline status of my healthy heart for reference to look back on.  Chemo can negatively effect heart function so here we go.  I feel healthy now.  If someone told me I had cancer, I would not believe them.  Pictures from some machines and some biopsies said so though.  I’m in great shape.  Up until four weeks ago, I was training four times a week and getting bikini ready for my brother-in-laws wedding in Hawaii.  I was feeling great.  After two kids , I started feeling like I FINALLY was getting my pre-baby body back.  Now I am in a hospital gown, getting an ultrasound of my heart for chemo.  Another bitch slap courtesy of breast cancer.   

After the Echo, we walked to the lab to get my blood drawn from my new medi-port. I was scared out of my mind. Four days ago, I had this thing implanted.   I had been walking around like a robot because I was so sore.  I couldn’t turn my neck or even put on a shirt without help.  I couldn’t even ride in the car without feeling like I was going to vomit.  Now the nurse was going to stab me in the chest with a needle to access it? No f-ing way. I had to ask her to get JM because I was so scared; I honestly can’t remember the last time I was that scared.  The nurse was very nice and she was trying to be as gentle as possible but It hurt like hell.  ”F*ck, that was awful.  I’ll get used to it and hopefully it will be better next week, and better the week after that, and better the week after that…”

After our meeting with the Oncologist and her nurse we were off to the “Infusion Center” across the street.  It was the same building where I got the medi-port implanted.  If somebody blindfolded you, dropped you off in the lobby and then took the blindfold off, you would open your eyes and think you were in a Nordstroms.  There’s an automatic piano playing music, the building is brand new and, I know it’s dumb, but it’s sort of comforting to be getting treatment in a place that has such a polished presentation.  If they care about ambiance this much, they must care about the science and medicine even more, right?.  As I walked into the Infusion center I saw one other young person, but most were older. Many of them had masks on and looked frail and sick. It freaked me out…am I going to look like this in 3 months or 4 weeks too? It was all too real now. Here I go…no turning back now, right? 

Chemo went as well as it could have gone. I was actually asleep during most of the infusion. Part of the pre-meds they gave me included Benadryl, which completely knocked me out. The only thing I remember is being woken up to confirm my name and birthday by the nurse wearing a plastic robe carrying the Paclitaxel in a bag with a yellow and black hazard sign. 

Wednesday, May 30:  I felt tired, but fine after the chemo treatment but woke up the next morning feeling extremely nauseous and couldn’t get out of bed until close to 1pm.

My chemo recipe is as follows: Paclitaxel (Taxol) and Herceptin once a week for 12 weeks then FEC + Herceptin (Flurouracil, Epirubicin and Cyclophosphamide) every 3 week for another 12 weeks. My Oncologist tells me the first 12 weeks will be easier than my last 12 weeks; I’ll let you know if I agree with her. :) 

JM’s parents brought the girls to the hotel today so we got to spend the afternoon with them. Anabelle got to swim with JM and I got to lounge pool-side with Sofia. When we were back in the room, Anabelle and I were in the bathroom and she asked me, “Mom, are you going to be ok?” I replied, “Yup. I sure am, so I don’t want you to worry, ok?” To which she responded, “OK, if you say so mom.” It is heartbreaking to hear my 4-year old worrying about me. I’d like to think that I am shielding her enough from this that she doesn’t have to worry about me, but I guess that’s impossible. 

Yesterday we also got news that I am in fact a carrier of the BRCA2 gene mutation that caused this breast cancer. My chances of having this gene mutation was less than 10% according to the geneticist. My chances of getting breast cancer as a young 32 year old Asian woman was probably less than 10% also…so maybe I need to go out and buy a lotto ticket? Anyway, what does it mean to have this gene mutation? A few things: 1. I have an increased chance of developing breast cancer in my left breast so I’ll probably get a double mastectomy vs. a single 2. I have an increased chance of developing Ovarian cancer…so, I may have to get my ovaries removed at some point before I’m 40 to prevent Ovarian cancer. 3. probably the worst part: I may have passed it onto my girls. it does not put them at higher risk for any childhood cancers, but they do need to be screened for breast cancer starting in their early 20’s. My hope is that by then, there will be so many more advancements in medicine that this won’t be a big deal… 4. My parents need to get tested to see if they passed it onto me or if I somehow miraculously created this gene mutation all on my own (yay, me), and 5. if my parents are carriers, my sister and my brother will have to get tested. 

Yes, it’s true.  Chemo sucks and it will only get worse.  It gets better only after it’s over.  Which will be in six months for me, just in time for Christmas.  Not a bad present.  But, hey, we get to actually sleep with our girls starting tomorrow which I am sooo excited about!! Woo-hoo!!!